married life guide

I have seen this topic in many forums being discussed heatedly. The scenario is thus. Somebody is in love with a married man/woman. The married person is also in love with our man/woman. But does not want to give away the marriage. What should be done?

Those who fall in love with a married person get trapped. That is the trap of dishonesty.
Such relationships will never be happy. The married person is having dual commitments and is hiding his love from his/her spouse. What use is that marriage? The thought that I am cheating my spouse is enough to kill all the joy. Dishonesty never gives joy.

Even if the married person wants to have dual commitments, he/she should make it very clear to the spouse. There should be no hide and seek. Once you tell your spouse, your spouse has to decide about whether the relationship should continue or marriage be broken. Do not be surprised if the spouse the other relationship to continue for love of his/her partner.

As far as the unmarried lover is concerned, he/she should stop seeing the lover unless the married end is sorted out fully. Otherwise you will again have the guilt of cheating. Such relationships are heart breaking and need tremendous understanding. Me and my own, that is the principal of life for most of us. No body wants to share his /her spouse with others. It was not uncommon in earlier days. But today, the whole idea seems difficult to imagine. Love and relationship are not easy to live with. Our emotions and feelings can bring us pain at any time.

Technorati Tags: love, married, person, Relationship

Please bare with me, i am probably going to paint this as an angel vs the devil. This is the story as i view it although naturally bias towards myself, i will try to be as just and factual as possible.
I am male my partner is female, both in mid-late 20’s.
I am from a western society my fiancé is from a conservative central asian nation. I try to live a simple but disciplined life, and my partner is very contemporary for her origins [we work very well together]
My partner left her parents and moved to my Australia for educational and employment benefits. Once arrived she moved into a share house with her male cousin**(30) and his wife (27). As i believe things were happy until she met me.
Where i use my own personal ethics to guide me, he is very concerned with rules and regulations.
For example
i avoid meat for ethical reasons, he cant understand this.
He avoids premarital sex for ‘religious’ reasons, i cant understand this.
He believes a man demands respect, i believe respect can only be earned.

The more time my partner and i would spend together the more house rules he would create. In the beginning she would always agree, until i reminded her in this country someone nearing 30 is free to do whatever.
(NB: i understand that i could have a great influence over her judgement, so i would allow her to decide what she wanted)

When she started to break house rules, he would verbally attack his wife and my partner. Followed by very emotive and vague correspondence with her aging parents (my future inlaws). Her distressed parents would always contact her, and tell her not to cause trouble (as a sign of respect she would NEVER tell them the facts, nor would she disobey, even after identifying his manipulations)
In his presence the wife would always back him up, but comfort my partner and agree is a controlling misogynist.
Rules started with a midnight curfew, but soon became petty and fluid to his convenience.
One evening my partner was working late in a particularly violent area, and it was also raining, having no car herself, i collected her and dropped home, this caused great distress because she had seen me the night before.

I was not allowed to remain late in front of his kids [which i can understand] but when they holidayed interstate they would phone her to ensure that i had left on time; im not sure how this effected his kids being 2000km away. Upon them understanding i was still at the SHARE house, they flew home immediately.
When i would make plans of an evening they would repeatedly make fixed plans including my partner over the top of mine. More often than not their plans would fail to eventuate, so the couple would go to the cinema and leave my partner babysitting their children. Often she was told it is unfair on them if she has a greater social life than them.
When her auntie visited my partner was forbidden to socialise and attend the wedding as it would require hers spending the entire night with her auntie. Not being the petty type she has taken responsibility for the offence caused.

Now she is working abroad and i have had a couple of personal attacks from this gent, regarding my inferiority to him and my inappropriate behaviour. By this countries standards i am very conservative and disciplined myself.
He has accused me of having an affair with his wife, and suggested i stay away. I had visited on celebrations to give gifts to the kids. This was all in his presence, but mind you slipped an affair in at these times. Being all that i am, i can still be asked for a monetary loan.
After suggesting i stay away he announces to her family that i am shunning them.
I don’t know what to do.
My partners sentiments are similar to mine, but she fears standing up to him. We are planning on purchasing a house soon, and marrying next year or beyond. This, he has already disallowed, and we both believe he will manipulate her parents’ understanding of the situation.

As far as we feel, he has pushed himself beyond his boundaries (possibly because he was allowed). But as a older male (by 2 years) she automatically feels he is wise enough to be obeyed. She does obey.
Should i make a stand to him? this will most likely cause her parents to disapprove of me
Should we both ignore him? This will cause great shame to her parents and their family
Should i expect her to make a stand? I don’t know how that would unravel
I just don’t know, please help

**in their terms they refer to each other as brother/sister, although no family links. I used the term cousin as this is how i would consider the level of closeness.
im sorry that was a little cluttered and all over the place, i just had a lot to say, quickly
thankyou adelya
i just dont understand why he manipulates stories and rules change to suit him.

for example his western wife is forbidden from talking with me (because he thinks we are having an affair)
but he will stay out most of the night drinking with his ex-partner.
this isn’t an east-west thing, both have there strengths and failings. i just dont think someone should go to a new country and turn it into where they came from.

i hope you dont suffer from the same issues as i
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Technorati Tags: advice, cross, cultural, please, Relationship, some

An estimated 80% of people who come to our company for coaching are searching for answers on the subject of relationships. There is no doubt that human relationships are a complex interaction. We would go so far as to say there is nothing more complex.

If you are like many of our clients, you will have come to the realization that the answers to a great relationship are not in trying to change, alter or transform someone else. The answers lie within each of us.

Before we delve into that, let’s take a look at what the word ‘relationship’ really means in our society? Why are relationships so important to us? Why do we seek them in the first place?

Firstly, the word “relationship” is an abstract noun (a noun frozen in time, made to look and feel like a proper noun, but it isn’t) and literally means to relate, connect or form a bond. This means that a relationship is a process. So if you stop relating, connecting or bonding, the ‘relationship’ falls apart.

Success in any relationship, whether it is in your business or your personal life, is far more than just a desire to succeed, (although that desire does make up part of the big picture of success), as we will find out.

Most people would say that we seek relationships to find happiness, but I don’t think that is correct. Author, Trainer and Coach Dr John Demartini agrees and he postulates that we seek relationships to make up for the parts of us that are missing or in need of balance.

“This”, John says in his new book, The Breakthrough Experience, “is why we often attract partners that are so different from ourselves. They balance us by bringing us back into equilibrium”.

Many people have become very wealthy writing about this subject.

The proof of this is in any newspaper or magazine you might care to read. In fact bookshops are fully stocked on the subject. You may find though that the information contained in this article is somewhat different, as it based on the cognitive behavioural psychological sciences of Neuro Semantics (NS) and Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) and takes a different perspective on our ability to relate to each other.

So what is the key to finding and maintaining successful relationships? There are many facets to this complex subject. I have listed 7 key areas that I believe to be the most important, and I will expand on each in the coming months, article by article. The 7 key elements of successful relationships:

1. The ability to manage your frames of mind (your state of mind, your mood, your attitude, your mindset in any given context) is at the core of the relationship process. That’s right, it starts with you. It is from a positive framework (our state of mind at any given moment) that allows us to relate with others in an empowering way.

Our frames of mind directly affect the way we behave which in-turn directly affects the outcomes we achieve.

In Meta-coaching we call this the be-do-have equation; our state (the being) influences our behaviour (the doing) which in turn influences the results that we get in life (the having). Finding our power in a relationship then starts with our state of mind, the framework, the unconscious rules we bring to them. This allows us to effect the only thing we can take control of and that is “ourselves”.

2. The ability to establish and maintain rapport. Sometimes, it seems as though it is hard to keep the rapport going in a relationship, especially when we disagree with someone’s point of view or when our core value is violated. Rapport underpins all human communication. Without rapport, we will tend to encounter toxic relationships.

Rapport is a two way process that has an underlying structure to it. We will provide you with the secrets of that structure within this series of articles so that you may create powerful rapport with people at an unconscious level. You will come to understand the rules of rapport building that will gain you rapport even with the most difficult people in your life.

3. The ability to effectively communicate your ideas and to influence other people. When I am coaching I will often notice that many see the word influence as having a negative connotation. I find this surprising because influence is actually a very positive attribute found at the heart of the world’s most successful people. Sometimes I think people get the words influence and manipulation mixed up.

Influence is the ability to communicate how we see the world (our map of the world) to someone else, in a way that they actually understand. That should be a thing of celebration! A friend of mine once said to a girl he met for the first time at a party “I can’t believe you get it, you see the world the way I do?” which was closely followed by the words, “WILL YOU MARRY ME?” She did and they still are married.

This kind of interaction is quite rare for most of us, the main reason being that we all have different maps of the world. We all see and experience the world differently and we can’t understand how other people can think so differently to us. Once we understand that other people see the world from a different point of view, we can learn to figure out the structure of their thinking (beliefs, values, higher level thinking patterns). We can then use this to learn how to communicate to them in a way that they can understand, and in doing so we can become understood. Isn’t that what we all want?

4. The ability to take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror, to see and accept who you really are, for all your faults and all your strengths. This is where coaching comes in and why it is a process strictly for those who have the ego strength to do just that. If we are unable to do this on a regular basis, we may begin to fall into a pattern of psychological projection, projecting our faults onto the people we interact with. I’m sure you will agree this could be fatal in any relationship.

Through acceptance of ourselves, we can get a benchmark of our current frames of mind, our beliefs, our values and our higher level thinking patterns. Our beliefs and values are a high level compass, in that they guide what we pay attention to. Once we understand and accept who we are, we can begin to make adjustments to the direction of our life at this high level.

We can then figure out where we want to go and who we want to become in our life and change our frames, our values and beliefs and thinking patterns to facilitate the creation of our dreams.

5. The ability to step back and look at your relationships from multiple perspectives.

That is to take a look at your interactions from another’s perspective rather than just your own.

Just take what is going on at the moment in the Middle East. There are some people over there, all with different ideas (maps) in their heads about the same basic issues. They all see it from a different point of view – the only problem is that they are looking at the same issues from their own point of view.

If those in power were to step back and look at the big picture of what is going on, if they were to take on each other’s perspective and bring that information into their own thinking, their perception of the issues would shift.

Then, if they were to take a look at the situation from the rest of the world’s perspective and bring that point of view into their thinking, their perceptions would shift again, and they could never look at the same issues in the same way. It’s exactly the same in personal relationships. Problems only occur when we begin to look at an issue from only one perspective – our own perspective. In effect we limit ourselves by our own thinking.

6. Learn to work on your relationships rather than just in your relationships. There are many types of relationships, and they all need love, nurturing and care to grow. Often times we need to pull ourselves out of the river of our relationships, to begin working on them rather than just going with the flow. Not that there is anything wrong with going with the flow, though in the wider context of our relationships if you don’t take control of your life, somebody else will.

Richard Bandler, one of the great minds of our time, often says, “Who’s driving the bus?” Of course what he means is who is working on your life, on your relationships, you or someone else? Because someone is driving the bus!

7. The ability to accept and appreciate others for who they are. This is a big rock in the river for most people. The ability to look for the “gold” in others is a unique skill. However it is a learned skill, for when we begin to look, our perspective changes and we can start to see things that we have not seen before. Focus is an amazing thing.

Psychological research carried out by Richard Bandler, John Grinder and Dr. Milton Erickson in the early seventies suggests that our mind deletes, distorts and generalises information so that we can understand it.

With over 2 million bits of data coming at us through our 5 senses every second, it is, the only way we can make sense of the world.

Focus can also be called our intention as it guides what we pay attention to. So if our intention is to accept and appreciate others, then this will begin to show up for us in our lives.

We will explain to you how you can learn to influence your intention and therefore what you pay attention to, in coming articles.

In closing, it is the structure of our perception, the communication skills we possess, the unconscious intention that we start with, that helps us form the basis of the way we relate with others. This is what we also call ‘emotional intelligence’.

I hope you have enjoyed this, the first of 6 (bits) articles on building successful relationships.

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In practice it has always been one man for one woman but one may ask! What would push a woman to be in a relationship dating married man? The answers can only be limited to your imagination. This is a topic which has invoked unending debates since the invention of love. Yeah! You can guess how long ago that is.

Women are embracing love affairs with married men and have no apologies to make whatsoever. This immoral practice is a devil which is here to stay definitely not on transit. Commitment is greatly unwanted in our today’s society and you will agree with me when i say in case of a woman engaged in a relationship dating married man commitment is rarely an issue. Not all women want to get married and have babies. The responsibility which comes with being a wife and a mother demands a lot of strength and will from the woman.

Its crazy to imagine even married women are engaged in illicit affairs with married men irrespective of how happy their marriage is or worse still how many wives are attached to him. I would imagine if the institution of marriage spells the word complete happiness, the woman would never be caught in a relationship dating a married man but the reality of the matter is this relationships exist and the women give lame excuses just to be naughty. He is too busy accumulating wealth denying the wife enough attention and affection so they claim. This they argue pushes them to slowly respond to advances from interested married men who are better in playing the cards.

If you are a married woman i beg of you to remain mum about your mans’s prowess in sharing affection because the moment it leaks you will only be a shareholder to what belongs to you. Don’t be shocked to find your best confidant dating your man because the probability is you asked for it. She couldn’t stand it when all you could chat about was how lucky you are to have your Mr.perfect. Women want to have the best of everything and when she feels like you are beating her in that area she will want to remain top in the list. In search of a right candidate she won’t go far since she is smart enough to get what is already tested thanks to your big mouth. Your so called friend is now in a relationship dating married man regardless of who he is or who gets hurt. It’s everybody for herself God for us all.

You can now imagine the probability of a single woman to venture in a relationship dating married man. It’s so expected in our society today its unbelievable. Every man claims his worth by having a wife and a mistress. The married men are usually old in the game and so are familiar with the rules hence rarely lose. The confidence, security and financial stability exuded by married men is mostly irresistible to single women. These single women end up being mistresses and like it that way since they are always on the receiving end.

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Loose ladies Andrea mclean, Lisa Maxwell, Denise Welch & Sherrie Hewson. Follow me on twitter twitter.com

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Ooh! Nothing beats the exhilaration of tasting stolen waters! Otherwise what would drive a beautiful eligible woman to play second fiddle to another woman by dating a married man? And even more baffling be so comfortable with the situation and the status of being titled “the other woman”. You always remain in the shadow not wanting to hog the limelight from the man’s wife. Don’t you think it beats logic? Married man dating relationship tries to gain an insight into such a relationship by evaluating it from different perspectives.

In a survey carried out on married man dating relationship it showed that “the other woman” was happier than the legally married woman. Many women dating married men testified that actually they would rather play second fiddle as mistresses. Not the position of a married woman and carry the title of a wife. Many confess that their life is more fulfilling that way.

In married man dating relationship it was established that there are many fat perks that come with being “the other woman”. Maybe this is the reason why it is the in thing in today’s world where marriage institutions have become this turbulent. A critical analysis shows that a marriage institution is prohibitive to a woman. For example, when a married woman says that she went out with her friends to have fun as an explanation for coming home in the wee hours of the night, it will be a hotly contested issue with her husband. In the extreme opposite when such happens with a mistress it is perfectly okay with the man.

In the scenario of married man dating relationship the other woman’s children attend good schools. Her mortgage is catered for just like the wife. Exquisite romantic holidays feature in herb calendar as a getaway with the married man and she gets to spend more time with the man. It is interesting because while the wife tries to squeeze herself with a tight budget for her wardrobe the mistress is taken to shop for her designer wear clothes in up market and expensive malls. Imagine! No wonder it’s so good to date a married man.

A married man derives happiness from the other woman and seeks solace from her especially when marital problems arise in his marriage. In relationship dating a married man in most cases it is the wife who drives the husband into the arms of the other woman. Though these should not be blamed on the wife solely, lack of communication in a marriage is the source of all these infidelity.

When outstanding problems in a marriage remain unresolved in a marriage the couple starts to deviate. It was discovered that in married man dating relationship what is lacking in the marriage can be outsourced elsewhere. For instance; if the couple’s sex life is not fulfilling the man will look for another partner who is more compatible and willing to cater for his sexual needs. “The other woman” acts as a confidant to the married man and is more willing to listen to his problems and offer him a shoulder to lean on.

This married man dating relationship is a precarious one. “the other woman” or mistress is usually the man’s favorite but the man holds his family dear and close to his heart. His family is his last refuge and in weighty matters like family inheritance the mistress in many cases does not feature anywhere. It is a topic still open to discussion. It is full of intrigue and deception.

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